25 Detroit things we miss from before the coronavirus

Everyone being irrationally mad at scooters (and lowkey riding them)

When e-scooters first appeared on Detroit’s landscape in the summer of 2018, people lost their dang minds. While some view them as a convenient way to zip around town, others curse their very existence and relish every time one is found disabled, discarded, or destroyed on the side of the road. We miss the near collisions and tired complaints just as much as we miss trying to fit two people on one scooter, because life before corona was about having no rules. We miss that.

Photo by Lee DeVito

Experiencing multi-faceted heartbreak thanks to Detroit sports

Each year, we do it to ourselves. We slap on face paint, a foam finger, and our favorite jersey and we go all in on Detroit sports — even after we’ve suffered years of heartbreak because, well, their track records haven’t done much to inspire hope. But we miss having to choose between one losing team or three because, well, we miss being able to make a choice.

Stevie Ansara/Detroit Stock City

Working remotely someplace other than your kitchen table

Before quarantine life, working from home was the goddamn American dream. Roll out of bed, grab some coffee, put on the entire first season of The Office on in the background, and log on. But after a few weeks of this shit — the sweat pants, the endless Zoom conference calls, and struggling to leave our bed because holy shit this is depressing — we miss being able to work remotely from somewhere other than home, you know, with our kids and significant others lurking about. (Get us out of here!)

Photo by Nicole Rupersburg/Courtesy of DIA

Smelling countless jars of weed at the dispensary like a true ganja snob

We’ve all done it — walked into a dispensary wearing a top hat and monocle and when asked by the budtender what we’d like to see, we just start pointing to jar after jar, smelling each one pretending like we can smell the pine notes or hints of dank. Sure, the marijuana industry has been deemed "essential" during the quarantine due to its medicinal properties and stores are still open, but it's only curbside pickup and delivery for now.

Photo by Steve Neavling

Celebrating Detroit’s wonderfully weird traditions like Marche du Nain Rouge

It happened in an instant. First, a concert at Little Caesars Arena announced its postponement, then another, then everything began collapsing and before we knew it, everything we’ve come to look forward to year after year was being ripped from our hands, including all of Detroit’s weird and wonderful traditions: namely Marche du Nain Rouge. Don’t worry, Detroit. We will run that little red MF’er out of the city once and for all, you know, next year. (Or support him, if that's your thing.)

Photo by Steven Pham

Going to Two James Spirits for booze and not hand sanitizer

We love that the city has come together in a time of need, like, using precious and delicious alcohol to make free hand sanitizer in an effort to combat COVID-19. But we have to say, we absolutely miss going to Detroit distilleries and chasing the green fairy after a Two James absinthe flight, and not waiting in line for free end of the world rations.

Photo via Two James Spirits/Facebook

Driving in I-75 construction and complaining about it to our co-workers

Misery loves company which, thanks to Michigan’s never-ending construction efforts, gives us a lot to be miserable about, specifically that on major highway I-75. Not only do we sort of miss getting stuck in traffic because the more time in traffic means the less time enduring Karen from HR’s very intimate medical complaints, but we miss being able to rant about our one binding commonality.

Photo via Screen grab/YouTube

Eating grilled chicken with our hands from Taqueria El Ray (and not worrying about where they’ve been)

One of the greatest culinary pleasures in Southwest Detroit, as there are many, is ordering a half of a grilled chicken from Taqueria El Ray. Something we’ve taken for granted, however, is tearing that bird apart with our nasty little fingers and giving zero fucks about washing them. Ah, yes. The simple pleasures.

Photo by Tom Perkins

Picking out our most outrageous music festival looks

Some people spend months picking out the outfit for the most important day of their lives. And no, we’re not talking about a wedding, you sap. We’re talking about festival season. Whether you’re a Movement raver who opts for a neon, see-through cowgirl geisha vibe or a Mo Pop Festival IG thot lewk (don’t forget your flower crowns, haux!) we miss having an excuse to assemble the perfect fit that would have Tim Gunn’s head spinning.

Photo by Dontae Rockymore>

Getting our asses to Belle Isle beach giving zero fucks that it’s not even close to summer yet

Michigan is forced to suffer through, basically, a half year of bullshit weather (why do we live here again?) which makes us downright ornery and beach thirsty. This might explain why we get our asses to Belle Isle beach the minute we see sun and justify ditching our Carhartt winter wardrobe.

Photo by Hannah Ervin/Detroit Stock City>

Drooling on the display cases as Cannelle Patisserie

A trip to Matt Knio’s French-inspired Cannelle Patisserie is like getting your passport stamped. It’s like the Louvre of beautifully colored and totally precious sponges, macarons, and tarts. Not only do they taste great, but they’re major Instagram Like bait.

Photo courtesy of Cannelle Patisserie by Matt Knio>

Human touch, you know, like massages from Meta Physica Wellness Center or sweating with strangers at The Schvitz

Not to get too heavy, but we will all have to overcome a shared trauma of human touch after this shit is over. But a great way to confront that is getting a seriously therapeutic rub-down. Not ready for that? How about sweating it out with strangers at a sauna or steam room? Another act of trust, but one that feels oh so good.

Photo via Meta Physica Wellness Center/Facebook

Worrying about rising rents, rather than worrying about not being able to pay rent

This ain’t just about gentrification anymore. This is about survival. Tough times like these mean not worrying so much about whether your landlord of your shabby chic, er, totally run-down apartment building near New Center is going to raise your rent because a new high-end leather goods store just moved into the neighborhood, but if you’re going to be able to make rent at all.

Photo by Steve Neavling

Enduring long wait times to get our brunch on at Rose’s Fine Food because it’s worth it

Listen — we Detroiters love to complain. But not as much as we love a good brunch, which is why we find ourselves longing for the days of long lines and wait times to squeeze into our favorite brunch spot, like Rose's Fine Foods or The Clique. Trust us — home brunching is not the same.

Photo by Jerilyn Jordan

Dancing until morning at Marble Bar

If you’re like us, you’re losing track of which day of the week it is. Weekends blend into Monday and Fridays mean nothing. What we miss is losing track of time — and maybe our keys — at clubs like Marble Bar where dancing the night, er, morning away is the 9-5 escape we so desire.

Photo via Marble Bar/Facebook

Play Independence Day pinball instead of, you know, waiting for the world to end IRL

Greasy pizza hands? Check. A roll of dirty-ass quarters? Check. The desire to destroy your friends in some pinball? Let’s get it. Sure we’ve been playing our fair share of video games at home but nothing beats beating a stranger’s high-score on The Simpsons arcade game or racing to Jurassic Park pinball, because if this quarantine has taught us anything it’s that, life, uh, finds a way.
Photo via Pop OffWorld/Facebook

Spend hours buying books we will never read because we’re too busy — but love the thrill of the find

Decluttering expert Marie Kondo thinks no one household should have more than 30 books. We call bullshit. While in isolation, we’ve been making a serious dent in our 30+ book collection that has taken years of curating and well, not reading. But not having time to crack open a good read has never stopped us from spending way too long in John King’s Used and Rare Books, or finding the latest from a Detroit author at Pages Book Shop or Source Booksellers. Let’s just say, we cannot wait to close the book on this chapter.
Photo via Pages Book Shop/Facebook

Filling our camera roll with the perfect blacklight selfie at Deluxx Fluxx

Right now, our iPhone camera roll is a sad document of life in isolation: bored dog pics, photos of unattractive food we threw together, and screenshots of sweatsuits we look forward to owning. What we’re really craving is that strong selfie game. Specifically, 90 attempts at nailing the perfect blacklight selfie at Deluxx Fluxx, because it takes real skill to not look like an iron-deficient alien with glowing teeth.

Photo via Deluxx Fluxx/Facebook

Watching movies on the big screen — sticky floors and all

Because of COVID-19 we’ve been forced to watch and stream everything on our humble home theater setup. Long gone are the days of holding our Mega Gulp soda pop pee until the right spot to duck out, or smuggling a bottle of wine in your tote bag like a total rule-breaking boss. We also miss supporting local theaters known for screening hot indie flicks like Cinema Detroit and Hamtramck’s Film Lab. We also miss watching classic films like The Matrix at spots like the Senate or the historic Redford Theatre. To quote a great man, “We’ll be back.”

Photo courtesy of Cinema Detroit

Caffeinate for as long as we damn well please

Pick your poison: Ashe, Astro, Avalon, New Way, Populace, New Order, Great Lakes Roasting Company. We all have a favorite bean-watering hole and even more than the coffee itself, and we love sitting and sipping for as long as we damn well please. Though a lot of these spots are open or offering curbside service, the days of outstaying our welcome are behind — and, hopefully, ahead — of us.
Photo via Great Lakes Roasting Company/Facebook