For the Connoisseur Who Can’t Roll a Decent Joint to Save Their Life

Slow Roller 12-pack by Center Creek, $65+

Arbors Wellness, 321 E. Liberty St., Ann Arbor; 734-929-2602; arborswellness.com

In 2021, we no longer have to feel like total dweebs because we can’t roll a smokable joint. Though it remains a point of pride for those who roll bomb-ass joints (we’re looking at you, Seth Rogen), the advent of cones, or those handy pre-filtered tubes you dump weed into, has made life a whole lot easier. However, for those who want to streamline the whole damn process, there are pre-rolls, or, in the case of the Slow Roller 12-pack from Arbors Wellness, there are fancy pre-rolls. Starting at $65, these compact pre-rolls come in their own tin and include a total of an eighth of herb. For $75, you could find yourself smoking Six Labs’ Chem D, which packs a 30.9% THC punch at which point someone might as well pre-roll you straight to bed.

For those who want to reset that time of the month to 4/20

Moon Tonic Cramp Ease, 300mg THC:150mg CBD, $40

Breeze, 24517 John R Rd., Hazel Park; 833-927-3393; breeze.us

Listen up, dudes. Cramps suck, and we guarantee if you were plagued with the plight of womanhood on the reg, you would probably, well, we don’t know what you would do other than, like, yell at fellow dudes playing Call of Duty: Black Ops on Xbox Live and drink so many Miller Lites that you black out and forget about your cramps altogether. Anyway, we’re not going to pretend to know what it’s like to not have cramps because with Moon Tonic Cramp Ease, we can, like, just not have cramps, or at least tone them the eff down. The topical formula helps quiet cramps thanks to a mega dose of THC and CBD, both of which work together to kick pelvic cramps and back pain to the curb when applied to affected areas.

For those looking for the most consistent gummy experience

Wana Gummies, $22-$26

1st Quality Medz, 286 Burke St., River Rouge; 313-406-4688; firstqualitymeds.com

We know by now that not all gummies are created equal. However, in all of our trials, experimentation, and that time we ate a non-dispensary-sanctioned brownie at that goth club and had a panic attack because Jesus and Satan were playing Dance Dance Revolution and we couldn’t discern which plane of existence we were on, there is one edible that give us the greatest stoner gift of all: consistency. Wana, a favorite brand out of Colorado, offers a variety of potent gummy candies. Each child-proof container has 10 sweet and/or sour gummies that, together, add up to 100mg of THC, CBD, or a bit of both, depending on the variant. The size and consistency of the high allows you to customize your dose without having to choose between Jesus or Satan, you know? Oh, we know you know.

For the old-school flower-lover who wants a high-tech high

PAX 3, $250

Skymint, 20940 John R. Rd., Hazel Park; 313-379-5369 | 1958 S. Industrial Hwy., Ann Arbor; 734-627-7360; skymint.com

At some point in the last few years, vaping became synonymous with concentrates, the rechargeable batteries with the cartridges of oil. But before concentrates rose to popularity and, you know, long before the word Juul became part of the global lexicon, there was humble herb and humble vaporizers. The PAX, however, as discreet as it may be, is far from humble. The first PAX sprouted in 2012 and has since evolved into a sleek and sexy conduction oven that gently heats cannabis flower in just 22 seconds upon demand. Oh, and this high-tech vape baby isn’t just for flower. The kit, which comes with a USB charger, maintenance kit (you really do need to clean this thing, OK?), and both flat and raised mouthpieces, also comes with a concentrate insert so you can do you — you know, just higher.

For those with four-legged friends

Mary’s Tails Hemp Extract Pet Tincture, Extra Strength, 900mg CBD, $95

LIV, 2625 Hilton Rd., Ste. 100, Ferndale; 248-420-4200; livferndale.com

Fact: Animals are better than humans. Also fact: They deserve the same pain and anxiety relief as we shitty-ass humans do. There are a variety of CBD pet products on the market, but reviews point to Mary’s Tails Extra Strength Extract Tincture being top dog — or cat. The extra-strength version of the pet tincture offers 300mg of naturally occurring CBD, perfect for alleviating joint pain in your aging golden lab or calming an anxious kitty. Oh, and it comes in a tasty bacon flavor to make daily dosing a breeze.

For those who want to take their yoga practice to a higher level

High Yoga, $19

Skymint, 20940 John R. Rd., Hazel Park; 313-379-5369 | 1958 S. Industrial Hwy., Ann Arbor; 734-627-7360; skymint.com

It might seem a bit counterintuitive to combine smoking and an ancient physical and spiritual practice built on the foundation of controlled deep breathing, but when it comes to weed and yoga, it’s a match made in your respective heaven. So while you’re at Skymint loading up on all things weed, grab a copy of High Yoga, which offers easy-to-follow instructions with illustrations demonstrating poses that are paired with weed strain recommendations. The book, which also offers tips on how to consume safely, provides some valuable info on the many therapeutic benefits of combining weed and yoga. It’s basically like unlocking a superpower you didn’t know you had. Namaste!

For those who like to spread the love and their high. Wait, what?

Detroit Fudge Company medicated peanut butter and honey, $28-$30

LIV, 2625 Hilton Rd., Ste. 100, Ferndale; 248-420-4200; livferndale.com | Joyology by Holistic Health Wayne, 38110 Michigan Ave., Wayne; 734-884-4449; hhwayne.com

The Ann Arbor-based medible makers over at the Detroit Fudge Company have really outdone themselves with this one, folks. In addition to edible mainstays like brownies, candy bars, and, well, fudge, the Detroit Fudge Company has crafted both medicated peanut butter and honey. The peanut butter, made with crushed, dry-roasted peanuts, is infused with 200 mg of spreadable THC. Slap it on toast, make a batch of cookies, or eat it by the spoonful over the sink like a true stoner. For you tea-drinking weed lovers out there, DFC also has a medicated honey option, which contains 135 mg of THC extract that promises an uplifting, daylong euphoric high. Uh, yes, please.

For those tender-muscled folks who want to add a little THC to their NHL

Darren McCarty CBD Roll-on, $40

Gage Cannabis Co., 1551 Academy St., Ferndale; 888-424-3463; gageusa.com

For most of his NHL career, much of which was spent with the Detroit Red Wings, Darren McCarty did his best to trick the frequent and random drug testing because, yeah, he almost always had cannabis in his system. After his days on the ice came to an end, the four-time Stanley Cup champion found himself at a turning point following a near-death experience. McCarty has been alcohol-free since 2015 and has turned to medicating with cannabis daily, hence the famed hockey player’s latest line of cannabis products. Among the products, which are made in partnership with Pincanna labs, is this powerful and calming CBD roll-on topical containing 1,000 mg of hemp-derived CBD.

For those who want to get their vaginas — and their orgasms — hella stoned

Sundara THC Infused Lubricant, 15 mg THC, $55

Treehouse 603, 603 E. William St., Ann Arbor; 734-773-3895; treehouse603.com

Vaginas are cool. But you know what’s cooler than a vagina? A vagina on weed, man. OK, so you might already know this, but your lady bits can’t get, like, high, but you can boost arousal and increase moisture for pleasure fun time. What’s wrong with us? Well, we’re not quite sure, but this Sundara THC-infused lube can help increase blood flow to the clitoris and/or vulva, while also relieving any friction-based discomfort during intercourse. The lightly scented formula made with all-natural oils is safe and healing and has been shown to relieve symptoms for women with endometriosis and/or uterine fibroids.

For those with a major sweet tooth… but who know how to moderate

Noble Road Molasses, Peanut Butter or Chocolate Chip cookies, 10-pack, 100mg THC, $20

New Standard, 24906 John R Rd., Hazel Park; 248-873-0420; anewstandard.com

Noble Road, a Black-owned Lansing-based company, is not messing around, folks. Their selection of artisanal baked goods, which are made by simmering sweet-cream butter with flower to create their proprietary cannabutter, come in delectable flavors that — you guessed it — will get you high AF. Each pack comes with 10 cookies, and each cookie contains 10mg of THC. That’s 100mg of tasty THC goodness that should ABSOLUTELY be kept far, far away from little ones because, even if you’re an adult who understands moderation (well, almost), these discs of delight are irresistable. If you want the buzz without the calories, Noble Road also offers vape cartridges.

For those who want to freeze muscle pain out of their lives

Mary’s Medicinals Muscle Freeze, 1.5-ounce 150mg CBD, $30

Green Buddha, 1921 Hilton Rd., Ferndale; 248-965-3911; shopgreenbuddha.com

Listen, since the pandemic, Americans have reported an increase in aches and pains due to working from home and, like, never leaving home. Sure, stretching, daily physical activity, and what we like to call “apocalypse strolls” can lessen these new body aches, but there’s also a product that can step in and give discomfort the ol’ freeze out. Mary’s Medicinals Muscle Freeze is a topical favorite among pain sufferers of all walks of life. Infused with a full-spectrum CBD, aloe vera, mango butter, and menthol, this botanical muscle freeze reduces inflammation while also giving you a soothing, cooling effect for up to four hours of relief per application.

For those who want o dab on the go

Pulsar Electric Dab Rig, $250

LIV, 2625 Hilton Rd., Ste. 100, Ferndale; 248-420-4200; livferndale.com

Do you even dab, bro? Why, yes, yes we do, and we’re always on the hunt for a good rig. Well, a favorite electric rig of wax lovers and flower lovers alike is a bit on the pricey side, but according to its many glowing reviews it’s worth every penny. The Pulsar Electric Dab Rig features three voltage settings, isolated air paths, and a whole lot of updates from previous models, including a much faster heat-up time. A standout feature for many of those who dare to dab is just how much the flavor of concentrates comes through without the butane or burnt taste. The rig also includes dabber tools, wire brushes, herb and wax carb caps, a coilless ceramic atomizer cup, and a charging cable.

For the lover of all things organic

Mint Chocolate chip, certified organic, 28.6% THC, $47/eighth

Apothecare Cannabis, 2793 Plymouth Rd. Suite C, Ann Arbor; 734-800-2004; apothecareannarbor.com

Organic isn’t just a buzzword touted by the likes of Gwyneth Paltrow, splattered across every damn overpriced Whole Foods product. Organic consumption is a lifestyle, which is good news for Michigan’s only organic certified dispensary. Apothecare Cannabis is certified by Certified Kind as 100% organic, with sustainable growing techniques free of pesticides, herbicides, and synthetic fertilizers. They also make use of energy-efficient environmental controls and LED lighting.

For those who want what everyone else has … with some euphoric sedation

Fluresh Critical Hog, $35/eighth

Herbology Cannabis Co., 11392 W. Jefferson Ave., River Rouge; 313-757-7684; herbologycannabisco.com

Wanna be sedated? In 2021, who doesn’t! According to data, recreational weed sales in Michigan were up 482% between January and December of last year, with rec weed sales in January 2020 somewhere around $9.8 million, and by December they’d reached $57.2 million. Consumer trends found that one of the most popular strains was Critical Hog, an award-winning cross of Hindu Kush x Afghani and Critical Mass from Grand Rapids-based designer cannabis company Fluresh — and we know why. As an indica-dominant strain, Critical Hog offers highly sedative properties and a euphoric high. Oh, and Fluresh has some of the most aesthetic packaging in the state, which makes their products perfect for displaying. Pass the damn dutchie, already!

For anyone who wants to give their beverages the ol’ THC boost

Fluresh Fast-Acting Drink Enhancer, Good Vibes, $20

The Flower Bowl, 28661 Michigan Ave., Inkster; 734-895-8753; flowerbowl.com

Lemonade? Boring. Coffee? Lame. Water? Take a fucking hike. Drinking things just got more stonier, thanks to Fluresh brand’s fast-acting drink enhancer, which comes in Good Vibes (THC) and Chill Out (1:1 THC/CBD). After squeezing just a couple of drops of this vegan, gluten-free, dairy-free, low-calorie enhancer into your drink of choice, uplifting and elevating effects can take place as soon as 15 minutes after consumption.

For those who want to support women-owned publications

Broccoli magazine, $8.99

New Standard, 24906 John R Rd., Hazel Park; 248-873-0420; anewstandard.com

While the cannabis industry remains a male-dominated field, women have been using cannabis since, like, the dawn of time. In fact, according to ancient Egyptian medical text, cannabis is described as medicine for active labor as far back as 1500 BCE. Hell, reports suggest Roman women from 600 BCE-500 BCE also used cannabis for labor pains. But cannabis, regardless of the industry, is the people’s plant, which is what Broccoli magazine is all about. Throughout its tri-annual publication, which has been created by an all-women team with an international network of contributors, Broccoli examines art, culture, fashion, and news relating to cannabis across the globe and encourages a personal journey of self-discovery through cannabis. Oh, and they’re really beautifully made and are a great addition to that stack of High Times on your coffee table.

For those who like to smoke their flower out of a flower

Ritual + Rose ceramic rose pipe, $50

New Standard, 24906 John R Rd., Hazel Park; 248-873-0420; anewstandard.com

Weed pipes have come a long way over the years. Not just in function, but in form and beauty, which is why the Ritual + Rose ceramic rose pipe is the vessel we want to smoke Blue Dream out of, using our pointed acrylic nails to scrape resin from. In other words, you’re gonna want to puff and post a pic of this lil cutie. This pipe is one of many made by Ritual + Rose, a women-owned and -operated boutique ceramic company out of Los Angeles. All of their pretty products are made from non-toxic and organic materials.

For those who like a caffeinated kick with their cannabis

Kiva Espresso Bean Terra Bites, $22

Breeze, 24517 John R Rd., Hazel Park; 833-927-3393; breeze.us

Don’t talk to us until we’ve had our coffee or our cannabis! But, lucky for you, we’re always abuzz with both. We have to warn you, though — when it comes to Kiva’s Espresso Bean Terra Bites, it’s easy to, well, overdue it. Kiva’s Terra Bites are made from micro-roasted Tanzanian coffee beans coated in dark chocolate, and each piece contains 5mg of THC, with a total of 100mg of THC per container. Fans of this product say that they’re a great way to kick-start morning workouts, though we’re not sure if they’ll inspire morning workouts in those who don’t, uh, normally work out. Can’t hurt to try!

For smokers who like high art

Papers + Ink Organic Rolling Papers Kit, $282

Coup D’etat, 3044 W. Grand Blvd., Unit L-460; 313-782-4480; shopcoupdetat.com

We’re not sure if you noticed, but smoking weed has evolved beyond Birkenstocks and disc golf. In fact, smoking weed is tres chic and is made even more chic thanks to artsy rolling paper kits from Papers + Ink. Detroit clothing and lifestyle boutique Coup D’etat carries an array of these unbleached, organic papers in beautiful and creative patterns to take your high to high art status. The kits also include filters and a packing tool so you get the perfect puff every time.