15 places to break up with someone in the Detroit area

By Metro Times editorial staff on Fri, Jan 24, 2020 at 4:30 am

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Best place to make them feel deserted: The Cactus House in the Anna Scripps Whitcomb Conservatory at Belle Isle

300 River Place Drive, Suite 2800, Detroit; 313-331-7760; belleisleconservancy.org
Where better to ditch a prick than a steamy, sweltering mini-desert? Let's hope your ex can survive without you just as a cactus can survive without water. Get ready for a dry spell!

Photo via Hannah Ervin / Detroit Stock City

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For the pretty-petty: Karaoke

First, pick your location. Second, pick your poison. Or, literally pick Poison's "Every Rose Has Its Thorn," if that's your thing. Regardless of taste, the options are endless. Are we dealing with a cheater? Well, there's Carrie Underwood for that. A narcissist? Carly Simon has you covered. Or for the Giver of No Fucks, call upon Saint CeeLo. No matter what song you choose, mic drop that shit.

Photo via Jen David / UFO Factory

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For the metaphor lover: The People Mover

ThePeopleMover.com/map
"I feel like this isn't going anywhere" or"we're going in circles." Either makes for a great opening line as you enter the tedious task of breaking up and the even more tedious task of riding the People Mover. Pro tip: Make sure you exit at Broadway because there is plenty of much-needed booze within walking distance.

Photo via Darren Hood / Detroit Stock City

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For the risk-taker: A casino. Literally, any casino.

MGM Grand Detroit; 1777 Third St., Detroit; 877-888-2121; mgmgranddetroit.com
Ah, stale cigarette smoke, strategic lighting to disguise what time of day it is, and several buffet options — now's the time to make some blithe analogies about putting your heart on the line, or taking a gamble, or how you lost your ass because the relationship was crap(s.)

Photo via Barbara Kalbfleisch / Shutterstock

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If "The Last Supper" is your thing: The Whitney

4421 Woodward Ave., Detroit; 313-832-5700; thewhitney.com
Okay. So, maybe it wasn't all bad. If this is the case, you owe it to them to do it up right and dine at the historic Whitney — and then offer to split the bill. For optimal millennial symbolism, grab a final nightcap at GhostBar — and when you're taking a bathroom break, just leave.

Photo via Jon Bilous / Shutterstock

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If you're feeling old school: Greenfield Village

20900 Oakwood Blvd., Dearborn; 313-982-6001; thehenryford.org
You can't take a time machine to swipe left, but you can be petty AF. Before texting and DMs, there was butter churning, blacksmithing, and a surprising amount of syphilis. Enter the historic Greenfield Village, where you can literally put your shitty relationship in the past.

Photo via Shutterstock

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If you're looking for a gut punch: Monument to Joe Louis

5 Woodward Ave., Detroit; located in Hart Plaza.
Don't go a full nine rounds. Hit 'em with a figurative T.K.O. at The Fist, which, for the novice, is literally a 24-foot-long fist in the middle of downtown Detroit.

Photo via Susan Montgomery / Shutterstock

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If you want to ruin their routine and future wellness: Whole Foods

115 Mack Ave., Detroit; 313-576-5300; wholefoodsmarket.com
"Hey, babe, we're out of coconut milk." Yeah, well, I'm out of patience for your bullshit. Grab a cart and strategically rehash old fights whilst grabbing groceries… for one. We guarantee they'll never be able to visit the hot bar without thinking about your hot ass, now long gone.

Susan Montgomery / Shutterstock

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If you're feeling cinematic: Nain Rouge

Marche Du Nain Rouge takes place on Sunday, March 22; marchedunainrouge.com
It's time to get surreal. If you can hold out until March, Marche Du Nain Rouge is a prime opportunity to make your exit of grandeur. As the parade marches through the streets of Midtown cursing the pesky little red devil, make your move. Drop a good line or two and walk away against the flow of masked weirdos and caped gentrifiers, and leave your former significant other to distinguish reality from nightmare.

Photo via Marche du Nain Rouge / Facebook

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If you want to get it over with under three minutes: The elevator at the Renaissance Center

200 Renaissance Center, Detroit; 313-567-3126; renaissanceconferencecenter.com
OK. So, maybe this one might be hard to explain to your soon-to-be-insignificant-other, but once you figure that part out, you will score major points for most unique breakup ever: 72-floors of resentment and one hell of a view.

Photo via Scott Eberline / Detroit Stock City

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If you want to force them to take an Uber: Ford-Wyoming Drive-In

10400 Ford Rd., Dearborn; 313-846-6910; fordwyomingdrivein.com
Why not take in a double-feature with a double dose of sadism. Roll up, watch half of flick No. 1, grab some popcorn and reveal the plot twist — "It's over!"

Photo by Austin Evans Eighmey

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For the poet: John King's Books

901 W. Lafayette Blvd., Detroit; 313-961-0622; kingsbooksdetroit.com
Thou shall not come home tonight — lo and behold, you have been dumped! Michigan's largest used and rare bookstore is the ideal place to rewrite your happy ending, with inspiration from Shakespeare to Vonnegut to The Complete Guide to Getting the Eff Out of My Life.

Photo via John King Used & Rare Books / Facebook

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For the "New Detroiter": QLine

Qlinedetroit.com
Give it to them straight — a straight line through Gilbertville. The M-1 Rail is ideal for those looking for an 8-minute average wait time and 12 stops of awkward. If you're lucky, the damn thing will hit a car because yeah, that happens.

Photo via Leah Castile / Detroit Stock City

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